I have decided to start this blog simply because I don't keep a journal, and I do need an outlet for my busy, busy mind. Today I feel a mixture of emotions because as I looked at my calendar this morning , I realized that Lucas will be 11 months old in 6 days, and I look around and wonder where the past 11 months have gone. I wonder if I have done everything right so far. Have I left him with a sitter too often? Have I spent enough play time with him? Have I done everything I can to further his development? What about motor skills, speech, indepedence? Underneath my confident facade, I am so insecure about the important things in my life. Today I cried as yet again, I had to leave my son so I could work. This fast paced society has nearly driven me mad with the need to work more, make more, spend more. Where does it all end? Is there a happy medium? Recently I made a graph of how I allocate my most precious commodity...time. Although the majority of my time is spent with Lucas, it is spent doing the basics...diapering, feeding, bathing, rocking. I play patty-cake and peek-a-boo and read books over and over. I sing and dance and splurt his belly, but deep inside there is a feeling of guilt because of all the "Mommy's busy right now's" that I have thrown his way during the short time I've had him. Everyone told me to enjoy him because he won't stay little for long. I think of all the times I have rocked and nursed him at 2 in the morning, and today, I would do anything to have some of those times back. I blinked and he turned into a big boy. I only wish I had more often let the paperwork, the laundry, and the dinner wait and spent more time just holding him and getting those "good sugars" under the neck, around his fat rolls in his legs and on that sweet little pot belly. I know he's still relatively little, and I pray to God every day that I have plenty of time with him, but I try not to ever take anything for granted, so starting today I vow that I WILL let less important things fall by the wayside while I do the VERY important things....like patty-cake. :)